Well…I met Tucker Max.
Tucker did a book signing for his new book, Assholes Finish First, at Book People in Austin last night. I had been so excited about this for the longest time because he may be one of my favorite comedian writers (along with Chelsea Handler).
In person, he seemed strangely mature, minus the fact that he repeatedly, and loudly, said f**k in the children’s section of the bookstore . In all fairness, however, he did warn the employee that he would be blurting out profanities, and if she wanted to confiscate the mic from him, she was more than welcome to do so.
Anyways, after he did a quick Q&A, we were called up to get in line for the book signing. As soon as Hailey and I got up to the front of the line, he immediately said, “you girls go to Texas State, don’t you.”
I didn’t really know how to take that, but I was sure it was meant to be offensive considering the fact that he says Texas State is not even a real school in his latest book.
He scribbled something into the front cover of my book , and I stared at it long after leaving the store. I didn’t stare because I love Tucker Max and I was a starstruck weirdo, I stared because I COULDN’T READ WHAT IT SAID AND I WAITED SO LONG TO MEET THIS MAN. I analyzed the ink at the restaurant, in the car on the way to the gas station, in the gas station before going downtown, and finally on 6th street in public places. I even asked random strangers if they could make out what it said for me. I also posted it on Facebook in hopes of gaining some outside perspective of what it could possibly say.
It was eating at me, and I was so mad because I had waited for eternity to meet this guy in person to see what all the hype was about. When I finally got to meet him, I couldn’t even read what he wrote to me.
Luckily, after my brain was metaphorically smashed into pieces from all the anger and confusion, I found Tucker and his crew at the bar we were at on 6th street. I asked his manager if she could tell me what it said. She told me that it said, “Jessie, I’m still awesome. – TMax,” without even looking at my book.
Well, I don’t remember telling anyone that he stopped being awesome, but lots of people must have done so in order to inspire signing a book in such a manner.
For those of you who have read his book already, you may understand my excitement about this next part, or not, but I was still excited. A woman sitting at Tucker’s table told me to give her my book. I handed it to her, she took out a pen, and said, “I think you need a real celebrity to sign your book.” Naturally, as I would expect nothing less from a night centered around getting an autograph from Tucker Max, I was confused again. I asked her who she was, and she handed me back my signed book.
My name is not Jessica, but I was excited nonetheless. I’ll leave you with my favorite quote of the week:
“Being excited to meet Tucker Max is like being excited to meet Hitler, Stalin, or Carrot Top.” – My cousin, Jason